What helpful advice can grandparents suggest in their speech at their favorite child’s wedding? To clarify, I have several grandchildren, but my favorite youngest daughter who is getting married does not have children yet.
NOTE TO EDITOR: Throwed is an ebonic colloquial continuing past tense, and it adds umph to the story, IMHO.
Since I got throwed out of the house well over fourteen years ago,[1] I will first share what a divorced grandfather could say. If you are divorced, lengthy speeches may not be tolerated, so you need to keep it short.
WHAT MAY A DIVORCED GRANDFATHER SAY AT HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING?
As some of you know, I was divorced in a prior life, before retirement. I have attended many divorce support meetings and retreats, and there were a few reflections by a priest that led me to ponder my past. Many wonder if, since they failed at their first marriage, their second marriage can be a success.
Addressing the guys in particular, he gave these two life rules on how to succeed at both home and work. The Before Five Rule is: Before five, the boss is always right. The corollary After Five Rule is: After Five, the woman is always right. Maybe if I had known these rules back then, I would not be divorced today.
Our priest shared that in his decades of experience, those couples he counseled who were most likely to fail in their marriage were those who looked for faults in their spouses, constantly pick, pick, picking at them. Those most likely to succeed were those who noticed the best in their spouses. This is true of any relationship: If your boss is constantly picking at you, you will likely soon be on the unemployment line.
Like Coach McCartney of Promise Keepers famously noted: “We should always err on the side of compassion.” When you emphasize the best in a person, especially those close to you, you encourage them to become a better person. When you see the worst in them, when you always pick at them, they often will slide downhill a little bit further.
Our priest also said that if you are divorced, reconciliation is usually possible, though for most, reconciliation simply means that you will feel slightly better about each other tomorrow than you did today.
Promise Keepers: Black Lives Matter To These Evangelical Leaders
https://youtu.be/02MWE1ANlWo
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/promise-keepers-black-lives-matter-to-these-evangelical-leaders/
WHY SHOULD OUR CHILDREN ATTEND CHURCH WITH THEIR FAMILIES?
I would hope that all my grandchildren would attend church with their family. How can I encourage them? Often the simplest argument is the best argument: That church is the one place in our society where everyone is obligated to be your friend, no matter what. What parent could say NO to more friends for their children?
In my many years I have visited many churches, and in every denomination there are welcoming churches and there are unwelcoming churches. The true churches are the welcoming churches.
Protestantism, Catholicism, Orthodoxy, and Judaism: Which Is True?
https://seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/protestantism-catholicism-orthodoxy-and-judaism-which-is-true/
https://youtu.be/EAXyZtZpgYk
There is only one place in the New Testament that mentions church, which is the verse in Hebrews that exhorts us to meet together regularly to encourage one another.[2] So if there isn’t a lot of friendliness or encouragement going around the church you are attending, that ain’t much of a church.
(Intentionally colloquial: Here ain’t is emphatic.)
I could end it right here; this is a good ending. We could ask: “Why should we attend church?” Should we leave the cameras rolling?
We know that all the major college football teams have booster clubs. My barber many years ago was a lady who was a rabid Seminoles fan, when you walk into her shop you would think you had walked into a football memorabilia museum, with the autographed posters of football players and coaches, and the banners, and the footballs and the helmets, and she was always enthusiastically talking about all the games she drove all the way to Tallahassee so she could hoot and holler in the stands.
Clearly, these football boosters never ask these questions: Why should we go to the Seminole football games? Couldn’t we be true Seminole boosters without going to the games? These questions are simply absurd.
So, wouldn’t it also be absurd for Christians to ask why they have to go to church, if they are truly Christian?
So let us ask the question in another way. You have no doubt heard the often-told joke, What is the difference between those who go to the beach on Sundays, and those who go to church on Sundays?
The answer is that those who go to the beach on Sundays don’t go to church because they don’t think they need to change, while the people who go to church on Sundays think they don’t need to change neither, because they go to church.
Nowhere does the Old Testament command us to attend church, but there is one Psalm where David longs to be close to God in his house.
In Psalm 84, David pines to be in the house of the Lord:
“For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than live in the tents of wickedness.”[3]
Also, in Psalm 42, David chants:
“As a deer longs for flowing streams,
so my soul longs for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.”[4]
Do Christians Need To Go To Church? Which Type of Church Should You Attend?
https://youtu.be/LvfH9DIAVxU
https://seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/do-christians-need-to-go-to-church-which-type-of-church-should-you-attend/
I could end it right here; this is a good ending. But what would I have said if my marriage had been a success? Should we leave the cameras rolling?
WHAT MAY A HAPPILY MARRIED GRANDFATHER SAY AT HIS DAUGHTER’S WEDDING?
We need to choose our close friends with care, lest they be a spiritual luxury that clouds our soul and hinders our spiritual life. St John of the Cross teaches us: “When our friendship is purely spiritual, the Love of God grows with it; and the more the soul remembers it, the more it remembers the Love of God, and the greater the desire it has for God.”
But a sensual friendship decreases in us our Love of God and obstructs our spiritual progress. “If that sensual love grows, the soul’s love of God will grow colder, and will forget God as it remembers the sensual love.”
By analogy, when we fall in love, when we seek to marry, do we seek someone who will make us happy? But if our marriage is both happy and successful, each spouse must first seek to be kind to the other, each putting the other’s needs first, each seeing the marriage as a monastic calling.[5]
When we draw an analogy from the writings of St John of the Cross to our lives as laymen, and specifically to our lives of friendship and love and marriage, we should only welcome that love which is both sensual and spiritual, that love for our spouse or our friend that increases in our heart our Love for God.
For all our close friendships, and our marriages, we need to ask ourselves: Do we bring out the best in each other? Or, do we bring out the worst in each other? Our marriage should be a monastic calling: our marriage should be for our children. The prospective bride should ask herself the key question: Will he be a good father? Will he be good with our children?
After he says the Lord’s Prayer, why does Jesus exhort us? “If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father also will forgive you; but if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”[6] The most important verses the Bible always repeats. We cannot love some people and hate others, hatred infects all our relationships.
There are many unhappy marriages in the Old Testament, and many less than perfect though somewhat happy marriages. But we do have one example of a marriage that was truly happy according to earthly standards, but this was a marriage that ended in tragedy and death. This was a marriage cursed by God because their love for each other diminished their Love for God, and decreased in their hearts their love for their neighbor.
This was the marriage between King Ahab and Queen Jezebel, we can infer they were truly in love as theirs was one of the few royal monogamous marriages in the Old Testament, and we read she showed genuine concern for his troubles.
We read in 1 Kings that one day Ahab “lay down on his bed, turned away his face, and would not eat.” His wife Jezebel came to him and said, “Why are you so depressed that you will not eat?” He said to her, “Because I spoke to Naboth the Jezreelite and said to him, ‘Give me your vineyard for money; or else, if you prefer, I will give you another vineyard for it’; but he answered, ‘I will not give you my vineyard,’” because he wanted to keep the vineyard in his family. His wife Jezebel said to him, “Do you now govern Israel? Get up, eat some food, and be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite.”
Then the evil Jezebel framed Naboth on a false charge of blasphemy and had him stoned to death so her Ahab would be happy once more. In response, the Lord instructs Elijah to proclaim a curse on Ahab: “In the place where dogs licked up the blood of Naboth, dogs will also lick up your blood.” Concerning his doting wife, “the dogs shall eat Jezebel within the bounds of Jezreel.”[7]
Many years later, after Jehu overthrew King Joram, son of Ahab, with Elijah’s blessing and urging, he marched into Jezreel. We read in 2 Kings that when the deliciously wicked Jezebel heard Jehu was coming, “Jezebel heard of it; she painted her eyes, and adorned her head, and looked out of the window” of her palace, taunting Jehu. Jehu yelled up to the eunuchs, and they showed their loyalty to him by throwing Jezebel out the window.
The Bible continues: “Some of Jezebel’s blood spattered on the wall and on the horses, which trampled on her. Then Jehu went in and ate and drank;” and many hours later, he said: “‘See to that cursed woman and bury her; for she is a king’s daughter.’ But when they went to bury her, they found no more of her than the skull and the feet and the palms of her hands.”[8] Jezebel was likely devoured alive by the vicious wild dogs that today only live in Africa.
Ahab also met an early death, but Ahab’s curse was realized nobly, twice removed. From a perspective of a pagan warrior culture, the Lord permitted him to die the noble death of a warrior, since he died in battle, gaining kleos, or glory, gaining a pagan immortality of sorts as they would be remembered in stories retold by their ancestors, as is celebrated by Homer in his Iliad.
Iliad, Blog 1, Why Should a Christian Read the Iliad?
The Iliad, the Basis of Greek Culture and the Western Philosophical Tradition
https://youtu.be/DpmuhZJUJn0
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/iliad_blog01/
Ahab died from a spear thrown at him in the thick of battle. Ahab died standing, his blood flowing onto the floor of his chariot. Unlike Jezebel, the dogs did not touch his body, but rather when his blood was washed from his chariot, the dogs licked up this water mixed with his noble blood. Maybe his divine curse was mixed with a divine pity that he married such an evil woman who ruined his formerly noble soul.
May we select our husband or wife carefully, may we select a spouse who will increase in us our Love for God and love for our neighbor, a spouse who will encourage us to walk on the narrow path, a spouse who will bring out the best in us, and will not bring out the worst in us.
St John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul, Seven Capital Sins and Best Type of Close Friend
https://youtu.be/DgL7Y5pIFAU
https://seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/st-john-of-the-cross-dark-night-of-the-soul-seven-capital-sins-and-best-type-of-close-friend/
My favorite Catholic saint is St Augustine because in his every major work he explicitly teaches that the two-fold Love of God and neighbor should be the center of our life and how we interpret Scripture, philosophy, and our life ambitions.
Hillel and Jesus, Reflections on Rabbi Telushkin’s Observations
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/hillel-and-jesus-reflections/
Comparing Hillel and Shammai to Jesus
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/comparing-hillel-and-shammai-to-jesus/
More Stories and Sayings of Hillel and Shammai
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/more-stories-and-sayings-of-hillel-and-shammai/
Jesus, Hillel, and Shammai, Loving God and Neighbor
https://youtu.be/ygxn2qqGnOI
St Augustine: On Christian Teaching, aka On Christian Doctrine, How To Read Scripture
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/st-augustine-on-christian-teaching-how-to-read-scripture/
https://youtu.be/uQCnAJMPoos
And I might add, my favorite country song is Rhonda Vincent’s rendering of: You Don’t Love God if You Don’t Love Your Neighbor.[9]
I could end it right here; this is a good ending. But many of our children may face the trauma of losing their job. Should we leave the cameras rolling?
FACING LIFE’S TRAUMAS, INCLUDING JOB LOSS
In Biblical times, the workers were more likely to be slaves than today, losing a job was not the anxiety it is today. But we do have the sufferings of Job, who lost his flocks, his family, and his wealth, before God restored them at the end.
Slaves in the Ancient World, Blog 1, Were Slaves the Employees of the Ancient World?
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/slaves-in-the-ancient-world-blog-1-were-slaves-the-employees-of-the-ancient-world/
Slaves in Ancient Greece and Rome, Blog 2
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/slaves-in-ancient-greece-and-rome-blog-2/
https://youtu.be/O67cmVRvBtA
Teachings about Slavery in the Bible, the Stoics, and by the Early Church Fathers
https://youtu.be/poyvJajCXnE
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/teachings-about-slavery-in-the-bible-and-by-the-early-church-fathers/
Ancient Warrior Cultures, Concubines and Slaves, in Ancient Greece, Rome, and Israel
Why Doesn’t the Bible Condemn Slavery? Perspectives from Jewish, Christian, and Stoic Traditions
https://youtu.be/Tz8EVYLuYoc
https://seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/why-doesnt-the-bible-condemn-slavery/
We must always think positively. When I was laid off prematurely, soon after I turned thrice-twenty, from my last professional job, after a Fortune 500 company bought us out, they provided us a helpful resume drafting service and an Employee Separation Depression Hotline. So, I called them.
“Hello. How can we help you?”
“I work for so-and-so, whom you bought out, and I will be laid off after my retention period, since you are centralizing your accounting and IT functions. Which makes me somewhat depressed.”
She asked me for my social security number so she could look up my personnel files. “I see that you were divorced some time ago. How did that make you feel?”
“Those were tough times.”
“I bet that when you got throwed out of your house, you had to pay a lot of money. How did that make you feel?”
“That was discouraging.”
“But look at this way: With your generous retention and separation bonuses, this time, when get throwed out of your office, now we will pay you a lot of money. Does that make you feel better?” Which it did.
When I was a facilitator for divorce support groups, I heard far too many women complain about how they were compelled to sue their ex-husbands for child support. What always puzzled me was this: How could they deny support to both the mother of their children, and their children?[10]
I could end it right here; this is a good ending. But one day my children will get old like me. Should we leave the cameras rolling?
In the very unlikely event that the guests want to hear more, my daughter would then remonstrate: “Dad, although your essay on retirement and aging is quite humorous, but it is seven-thousand words! We need to save that for my retirement party!”
YouTube Playlist on: Old Age and Retirement
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJVlY2bjK8lhYGJAe3yctJqdRIWqwjtYm
DISCUSSING MY FAVORITE SOURCES
We highly recommend the books by CS Lewis, and his keystone work is Mere Christianity, which we reflected on in a series of videos and blogs. We encourage you to read a recent translation of St Augustine’s works, especially his Confessions and On Christian Teaching, as the Ante-Nicene Father translations are somewhat dated. We highly recommend Father John O’Malley’s books on the Councils of Trent, Vatican II, and Vatican I, he was the leading Catholic scholar on these councils.
We have several reflections that are book reviews on the Ten Commandments, the Torah and Talmud, the history and theology of Trent and the Vatican Councils, and on the writings of the early and apostolic Church Fathers.
Book Reviews, Commentaries of Torah and Talmud, Medieval Rabbis and Modern Rabbis and Scholars
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/book-reviews-commentaries-of-torah-and-talmud-medieval-rabbis-and-modern-rabbis-and-scholars/
https://youtu.be/mvstpk88TxI
Book Reviews, Reform Councils of Trent and Vatican II, and Vatican I
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/book-reviews-reform-councils-of-trent-and-vatican-ii/
https://youtu.be/cuKVG24Bf78
Book Review: Early Church Fathers Library – 38 Volumes in 3 Series
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/early-church-fathers-library-38-volumes-in-3-series/
Book Reviews on Apostolic and Early Church Fathers
http://www.seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/book-reviews-on-apostolic-and-early-church-fathers/
How To Read Ancient Works, and Book Reviews on the Apostolic Church Fathers
https://youtu.be/I_2q4BiRBlU
Book and DVD Reviews on the Ten Commandments, or Decalogue
https://seekingvirtueandwisdom.com/book-and-dvd-reviews-on-the-ten-commandments-or-decalogue/
https://youtu.be/KptDGFJG0TE
[1] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=genesis%2029%3A20-28&version=RSVCE
[2] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=hebrews%2010%3A24-25&version=RSVCE
[3] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2084%3A10&version=RSVCE
[4] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2042%3A1-2&version=RSVCE
[5] St John of the Cross, Dark Night of the Soul, Book 1, Chapter 4, pp.47-52.
[6] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%206&version=RSVCE
[7] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=I+Kings+21&version=NRSVCE
[8] https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Kings+9%3A30-37&version=NRSVCE
[9] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR2rpVd5Lwo
[10] https://www.divorcecare.org/ and https://www.catholicsdivorce.com/
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